....and all the time, God is good
This has been a transformative week for me. I feel like I have had break throughs and that I can see the work that God is doing in my life. Sunday, while the minister was giving the word, I felt such a movement inside of me. It was so obvious that this word was for me. I felt it spiritually, but I also felt it physically. I knew that God was trying to tell me something. When it was time for alter call, however, I couldn’t move. As stirred as I was I could not go up. Maybe it was because I had been to the alter many times and left disappointed. (We’re not supposed to say that right?) We’re not supposed to talk about the times we went up for prayer, desperate for something, and after they laid hands on us we felt nothing. We’re not supposed to talk about feeling like we almost have to put on a show to encourage their faith, when we wanted ours encouraged. Or the many times we were skipped over while the minister was praying. Whatever it was, I couldn’t move. Thankfully, I had someone with me who encouraged me to go up. My husband. In this walk we need someone to encourage us when we have let things creep in to discourage us. ((Ecclesiastes 4:9-10) “9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them”) Anyways, so we went up and she started praying, no prophesying, and it was so on point. When I got home I knew I was faced with a difficult choice. I could remain the same. That’s a real decision. God allows us the choice to stay the same. Or I could allow myself to be transformed.
While she was praying for me, I was so convicted for all the times I allowed myself to do wrong because I knew I had grace. I allowed myself to say this, or do that, OR DRINK THIS because I knew I had a forgiving God. What I was really doing, was compromising the destiny that God had for me. I was choosing to gamble with my purpose. I am so thankful that God saw me making these decisions that I knew were wrong and loved me through it. I have been brought from such a long way. Sexual abuse victim, heavy drinker, teen mom, terrible relationships, college dropout, single mom of two. These were my titles. I had never lived outside of my hometown. I was comfortable in my Egypt. I am now better than I ever was. I have a loving husband. I graduated from college. I am living in a new country. I am a survivor and not a victim. Yet, I still missed my Egypt. I missed some of the small things that I was supposed to let go of and even though God was providing Manna, even though I had this beautiful new life, even though I was free from the captivity of sin. I missed what I was comfortable in. Maybe that’s why I am here. Maybe being in this country is the opportunity that God is using for me to shed that old mentality….and I have a lot to shed. All this hurt didn’t come from the world. Some of it came from the church. It wasn’t all strangers and adversaries that caused it. Some of it was from people I loved. I need to move past these things to grow. I cannot let them be a stronghold.
I went to a prayer also. The evangelist spoke about how the sick would wait by the pools of Bethesda for someone to put them in, so they could be healed. She said the time for waiting for other people to put me in is done. (Well, she prayed it, but it was to me… I am compelled to believe it was). She called it lazy Christianity and said the time for it was over. She also said that God is gonna make uncommon connections for uncommon ministries. I believe that. I am not a common Christian. I was even convinced I was unholy based solely on my appearance. I think God is breaking those chains. I think he is doing a completely new thing. .. anyway its 12 am here in Korea and this got much longer than I expected. I’ll probably read it tomorrow and need to edit some of it. Be blessed, be renewed. I am so excited for what is happening.