pretending to be a savage wont heal that hole in your heart
This week had the potential to be bad…. and some days were.... I woke up almost every morning tormented with anger and frustration at my husband and kids. I was angry at things from the past. Things that I had refused to let go of in my heart. I was angry about the present. I was angry that the house was a mess, or they didn’t help with something… I was just angry. Bitterness and discontent were all over me. I didn't like this person I was becoming and I hadn’t started out that way.
I originally was a very forgiving, very loyal, but also very naïve person. Being this way had gotten me hurt so I grew into a meaner version of me. I lacked the grace for people that I wanted God to have for me, I was short tempered and looking back at it now reminds me of this phrase that said “being savage won’t heal that hole in your heart baby”. Its so true. I had taught myself the best way to teach people how to treat and love me was to give them as few chances as possible to get it wrong. I had told myself the more grace I give, the more they will hurt me. Instead of the more grace I give the more I receive. The thing about that is it had put me in a terrible pattern. I was so filled with negativity I was unable to hold anything else, including the love joy and peace my family deserved. My husband and kids had it worst, but we were okay. That is until the last two weeks.
As I reflect on it now, this scripture comes to mind....
2 Corinthians 12:7-10 New International Version (NIV)
7 or because of these surpassingly great revelations. Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan, to torment me. 8 Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.
THIS SCRIPTURE WAS MY LIFE. I was doing so great on the outside, being accepted into a new college, my job search was going great, my family was beautiful.. but I got to the point where I was waking up crying from things that had happened months ago. I couldn’t shake it. Even worse I was mad at my husband for putting me in a position where I might have to forgive him. MY HUSBAND. THE REGULAR IMPERFECT HUMAN THAT I LIVE WITH 24-7. The man that gives me the space and grace to be me and always loves and always forgives. I was mad at my kids for not listening or for acting up. MY CHILDREN who I RAISE. The children who live with me and see my best ,, and worst. I FELT tormented with these angry thoughts daily. I would wake up, say a prayer, and then scream at the people in traffic as I was leaving my house. The spirit of anger, the energy of anger was consuming. It got so bad, that one day I told Rick that I don’t know if I know how to be forgiving and I don’t think we can live with me being this angry 24/7. So rather than make him miserable, Ill leave. Those that know me probably aren't shocked... This isn’t new for me, I have a history of throwing away people and relationships when I’ve been hurt. Its hard work to be loving, so rather than go through the work I would just think it easier to start over... (spoiler alert: it isn't) I had moved away from being a person that could give grace, yet I was still a person who desperately needed it.
One day while I was in the kitchen, I cried out to God. I cried out that I can’t live like this. I can’t keep being this angry unforgiving person. It’s miserable. I love my family, and I am doing everything from date nights to game nights trying to push these feelings away and now I don’t know what to do. I am hurting them, I am hurting myself. I was just honest I admitted that don’t know how to let it go. I don’t even know if I am the one that’s actually choosing to hold on to it. I didn’t understand, how in the midst of all these amazing things I had going on outwardly, I was breaking in my spirit. I can see now, that sometimes we have hurts in our past that dont heal properly. We move from them but they leave a handicap. They leave a sore spot and we learn to lash out whenever that sore spot is touched. I am growing into this woman I love, but God still needed (and needs) to work some things out of me. I needed to recognize that I did have an anger problem.
Me and Rick decided to watch this movie together, the movie talked about the impact of surrender and prayer. It put into perspective that this was a spiritual issue. I had no real reason to be this angry and how dare I, as awful as I am sometimes. I don’t get to choose who to have grace with. Not if I expect to receive it. Every time I got angry or felt those feelings of anger or resentment fill in I prayed. I didn’t pray as someone who knew what to say. I didn’t pray as someone who knew how to speak to these issues. I prayed complete surrender. Often, in the past I would pray with confidence and boldness (come boldly to the throne of grace right lol?) but I needed Christ’s power to be strong in my weakness. I couldn’t come as a know it all, and anyone that knows me knows that I am a know it all.... but the truth is unforgiveness and Anger are weaknesses for me. Just like his word says, his grace was sufficient for my weakness. Its been a few days and I feel lighter. I have a renewed love for my family. I have a patience with them. Now, I still have many issues in many other areas. I still get angry and I still have to pause and pray when I feel like swearing and screaming. Sometimes I miss it. However, this particular issue is not weighing me down every day anymore. I am not waking up in tears wondering whether or not I can make it work because I am unwilling to forgive and have peace. I was at the point where I could almost feel myself slipping into a depression. I feel like I curtain has been drawn back and light is shining in. I know its easy for me to say this from here. When I was trying to find peace I read and rolled my eyes at many MANY blogs. “How can I just be loving to people when they could hurt me all over again”?... I thought “If I don’t show anger they won’t know I am disappointed”... I believe that is one of the reasons I chose to remain angry for so long, as a defense. However I don’t need to defend myself, I have a heavenly father that fights on my behalf. I don’t know how that became a weapon I used but I am glad I am learning to put it away. I am learning contentment and joy wont give room to anger. I am learning that contentment and joy aren't even emotions, they're states of being. I am thankful for the women I was able to call.The women who prayed for and talked to me. If anyone of you reaches out and needs that, I am here as well.