Hello, My name is Eboni and I am prideful.
First let me begin by saying I am so happy to be back writing. I feel like its been forever. I have been so busy with life, in good and bad ways. I also believe God has allowed me to take this time to learn and grow. There were some things that I needed to learn about me. God has really begun to show me some things about me and I honestly don’t know where to start. There are days that I write with a graphic organizer to make sure that I am getting everything out as clear and concisely as possible, but I don’t think this is going to be one of those times, so please bear with me.
I always knew that I came to Korea to grow in a way that I couldn’t do around everyone that knew me. Sometimes you can’t grow around the people that know you. People’s expectations can limit you. Even people with good intentions, the bible says “…for we know in part and we prophecy in part”1 so I believe that sometimes people cannot get past what they believe about you, and that’s ok, that is part of THEIR growth process. So, with all that in mind, I decided to take a new step toward what I am supposed to do and I began to work toward my Masters in Religion. This was a huge leap for me, and it was kind of a declaration that my career choice is going to be in ministry. I do believe that God honored that, but with that there were some things I needed to let go of.
Four completely different messages came and all of them had to do with letting go of the things that God cannot use. Sarah Jakes Roberts preached a sermon about how not all things are profitable. Some things need to be let go of if we are to move to the next level. Steven Furtick preached a message about not being able to feel better until we do better. He said that we cannot have the resurrection without the crucifixion, therefore we must die to some things. He also said that God needs to set our standards. This was along with the Transformation Church series “ Planted Not buried” which has been outstanding (I will try to include a link) So I really had to take a look at my life.
I had already done the things I thought I needed to do. I had you know, made a list of past sexual partners and asked to be released from soul ties and tried to reach out to people that I may have had issues with. I thought I had let go of so much of the old me but there were things in me that were keeping me from growing that I was still letting slide. Like, for instance, I’m prideful. I am. I like being right, I like being knowledgeable. I like flaunting that sometimes, it’s easy to justify it as a personality trait, but its unprofitable and it needs to be let go of if I want to grow to where God wants me to grow. I can be vain. I like attention and God calls us to decrease so that he can increase. These where things in me that I didn’t realize were issues. Man, my daughter has been home with me the past two weeks and you know what I learned. I’m impatient, I’m quick to anger. This is the opposite of love. Of the love that God calls us to have for him and each other. I can be judgmental, I can be a heavy drinker. Its not like it was, BABY IT WAS TERRIBLE AT ONE POINT, but its still something I need to crucify. I can’t get to my next level unless I give these things to God. I was with my husband and I opened the door to our car and scratched another car. It was barely noticeable but I was so scared of the repercussions that I wanted to drive off. You know what that taught me about me? I lack integrity. I don’t trust God to be a way maker the way I say I do. When I am upset I want wine and online shopping. I don’t pray first, He isn’t the source of my joy and peace. It really took a lot to have all this revealed. So Korea has been humbling and that in itself is a process. I cannot say I am humble suddenly, but I can say I am being humbled. It’s been tough. Especially learning patience. It seems like when you want to learn to be patient everything comes to try to test you. I’ve been learning to keep my cool. I’ve been working on forgiveness. Nothing will teach you forgiveness like your spouse and kids.
I am at a point where I am able to see myself more clearly. It’s good because it needed to happen but , I think I can see the parts of me that are hard to deal with better. I am not going to be perfect when I leave Korea. I will still have a lot of things God will need to work on, but I pray that I am perfected.
It’s hard when you think you’ve grown and matured and God shows you that there’s much left in you that needs to be done. I can get so caught up in wanting recognition from people that I forget that my validation comes from the creator. As long as he knows the steps he has for me then I am good. I don’t need to look perfect so that a person can elevate me. I need to come to the alter broken so that God can do a new work in me. Like the song says, “in him do I live, move and have my being”