Jan- March has been rough
I have been writing and deleting all week.
But I actually need to go to last week to set the situation up correctly.
Well… actually last month.
…. Last month my church ended a 21 day Daniel fast. Although I could have done much better with caffeine and yeast, I thought I did really well. I expected at the end of the fast all my spiritual issues would be gone and I was going to come out on fire and fully activated. When that didn’t happen I lost it. Like, by it I mean everything…
I have continuously struggled with having faith and I often tried to get to the root of it. I know a large part of it is me not being very trusting of people’s true intentions and being the mere human that I am, I would transfer that to my feelings for God. So when I came out of this fast and I didn’t hear the angels horns I thought “well I was wrong about everything. God did not call me. I must not even have a purpose”. I kind of fell into a spiritual depression. This was frustrated even further when I started to question my place at church. Like.. if these Holy Ghost filled people at this church don’t recognize my calling I must not even have one. So with that, every time I sat down to write it was bleak. I felt directionless.. heck I felt like I may not even be writer. Then I felt like well if all this is true what am I even doing? Why am I watching what I say and do? What is even the point, I am not going to prosper anyway…. I skipped church Sunday and when my husband came back he told me how amazing the service was and don’t you know, that dang near solidified it for me.
I felt like I must’ve been what was holding the church back. Me.
I spent my free time flipping between gossip blogs and Instagram pages. Overdrinking. I was over it. Sunday I sat down to write again. Although I was still not in a great space I figured at least I could enjoy doing it, even if it has nothing to do with spirituality. I wrote about feeling undervalued all the time and how I seem to rely pretty heavily on validation (which is actually something I need to work on). Even though I still was unsure about having a purpose I decided to write a plan. I went to bed with just enough optimism to make it through the night.
Monday morning I still didn’t feel like I was ready to read the bible so I listened to a scripture ( I was working with that whole faith comes by hearing). I went into work and got some pretty great news. Tuesday came and I spoke to someone that has been dear to me while here. After speaking with her I decided to try again. The thing is I KNOW THAT I KNOW THAT I KNOWWWWW God has been real in my life and once you have a real encounter with him it is hard to pretend it never happened. I skipped the gym and came home. As I cleaned I listened to the most on point sermon I had heard in a long time. It is like God gave her the words to speak to me at this very moment. I am going to continue to walk the path God has for me faithfully. I guess I really expected things to be easier, but that is no reason to give up. Someone’s breakthrough lies In my testimony and that is what I am saying to all you. Perfect I am not but I serve a God that chose to not give up on me. Even when I give up on myself. I don’t know what God has in store but if I am going to learn to trust him ,now is the time. Pray for me, pray my strength yall. Pray that I remember that when I am weak God’s strength is made perfect.
btw I shaved all my hair off in January. I kinda dig it
also I stopped breastfeeding my son and my hormones and emotions have been EVERYWHERE